Once my dad got a nail stuck in his eye so he had to get this cotton patch taped over it and while he slept I drew an eye on it and put makeup on it and coincidentally my dads name is Joe so I think you know where this is going
My dad was the real Cotton eyed joe
I wasn’t kidding…
dont judge the artistic part of it i was 9 and he is a light sleeper
(via teaandhemlock)
(via -rareandcaller)
I dunno… I still think little kids are evil and dangerous no matter how you raise them. Frankly, they scare me and I’m not opposed to banning children across the world outright. Maybe we should just stick to cats and dogs after all, they’re much safer, more loyal, less expensive and just all around better.
(via teaandhemlock)
what did the mama pig give her baby pig for its rash?
pigs are commonly known for rolling around in dirt, but there’s a reason for this. Pigs skin is very sensitive, the harshness of their environment can result in rashes and often sunburns. Bigs use mud to help relieve pain and protect their skin. Since piglets are even more delicate, mother pigs will often roll their pigs in mud right after birth.
NO THEY GIVE THEM OINKMENT
(via teaandhemlock)
*orders happy meal*
*not the toy i wanted*
*not happy*
*sad meal*
(via teaandhemlock)
Raps about how drugs will kill you
Raps about how it’s okay to not have expensive clothes and shop at thrift shops
Raps about how it’s awful what homosexuals have to go thru,and how we should legalize gay marriage
Raps about how everything is…
when I was little, I went through a phase where I’d wear my Spiderman costume under all my clothes, so I wore it for about 3 years straight and my mom never found out until one day when we were at a family party, I was wearing the costume under a really fancy and expensive dress, and someone started choking on something so I ripped off the dress to reveal the costume to try and save them, and I think my mom just about had a heart attack
(via teaandhemlock)
Man With BAC of 0.00 Arrested and Charged With DUI
Jessie Thorton, a 61-year-old retiree, was arrested and charged with DUI in Arizona despite having a blood alcohol level of 0.00. The reason the arresting officer gave to Thorton: “I can tell you’re driving drunk by the look in your eyes.”
Who else thinks it had more to do with the color of his skin than the look in his eyes?
(via frolicandetour)
The Distance of a Day. A video of a sunset in Los Angeles made by my mother with her iPhone next to a video of a sunrise in the Maldives made by me. They were recorded simultaneously. At the exact same moment the sun was setting in Los Angeles it was rising in the Maldives. We were watching the sun together, thousands of miles apart.
(via badassfothermucker)
One time I got pulled over by a cop and I was so nervous that I thought I was supposed to call him “your honor” like we were in court or something but then I corrected last minute and I just said “Good evening your officer”
(via teaandhemlock)
Guys that Z is in freaking Times New Roman
This person isn’t messing around okay
(via teaandhemlock)
